One Primary Purpose

The Fountain of Youth/Life

2007-02-11T10:53:00.002-05:00

Yesterday at my home group, I had the great fortune to celebrate my 11th A.A. birthday with all those to whom I owe my life, and who just keep loving me no matter what.

This year's celebrations were international when I was blessed to receive wishes from members around the world. How grateful am I to be a "small part of a great whole" (12&12 p.130). Amongst the many global members that sent those emails, there was one special gentleman by the name of Bob from PA. His words truly convey the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous. He said, "I have found the 'Fountain of Youth'. A cup of AA coffee every day that I am able. They told me to keep coming back, and it worked. I've been to over 300 meetings a year for over 31 years. I became 90 yrs young last July, one day at a time." It's member's like Bob that keep the doors of A.A. open for me. Thanks.

If you're interested in sending birthday wishes to A.A. members around the world, you can find anniversary dates at http://www.aahistory.com/newbirth.html.

Forget-Me-Not

2007-01-31T15:30:00.001-05:00

The other night I opened the door to the first floor hallway and was mystified to see what appeared to be a fog floating through the air. I called a frend and we discussed possible causes. Finally she asked me, "Do you think it could it be your furnace filter?" I sat there for a minute and thought, "furnace filter... what's a furnace filter"? I mean really, it was like I was totally clued out. Back downstairs I checked the filter and confirmed that this was definitely the culprit. It was so dirty that it looked as though it had been in there since the beginning of time (or more precisely since October). The dust was actually being pushed back up out of the vents. It took less than 15 minutes to dash off to Canadian Tire and return with a new filter which I promptly installed.

Now, I've lived in this house for twenty years and have changed a lot filters in that time. I can't explain how this monthly routine skipped my mind, nor am I sure what lesson I've learned from it all. I can only say this,

"if you're inside your house and you've got fog, you might actually be in one!"

Drawing Near, the Purest Form of Art

2007-01-25T10:12:00.002-05:00

For the longest time, I thought that the first part of Step Two read, "Came to believe in a power greater than ourselves..." instead of "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves...". That first part of Step Two was not about my believing, right there, right then, in a celestial being (which is why I got stuck on this step forever!). It was about opening my mind to the fact that there was a power greater than me.

That simple (?) admission was all that was required to move forward. At this point I wasn't expected to know who or what that power was, I didn't even know who or what I was. The only way I had a chance of figuring it all out was by working through the rest of the twelve steps (aka drawing near). In the Big Book it says, "When we drew near to Him He disclosed Himself to us! (We Agnostics, p.57, last line).

If I continue to draw near to Him (aka working the steps), who, and what else will disclose themselves to me?

United We Stand

2007-01-16T15:16:00.001-05:00

I'd be hard put to decide on a favorite tradition, but I am quite fond of the first one. Tradition One, "Our common welfare should come first, our personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity."

There it is in black and white. My personal recovery depends upon my uniting with other alcoholics. Its the solution to all my problems. Its how the miracles happen. Its why members say, "Don't drink and go to meetings". In eleven years I've never heard anyone say, "Dont drink and stay home." For me its simple. I have to stay united to stay sober (physically, emotionally and spiritually).

When I was a kid I always wanted to be Maid Marian. I couldn't think of anything I'd rather do than be with Robin Hood (aka Errol Flynn), Fryer Tuck and all the Merry Men (and women). I guess in some way I've gotten my wish. I'm very grateful to have made it here alive, and to be part of this miraculous, "erratic band of alcoholics." (12&12 p130)

Read all about it!

2007-01-09T14:01:00.000-05:00

Today was the first time I'd forwarded my blog to one of my friends and it was with great trepidation that I hit the SEND button. In the last month or so, the excitment of being able to combine my love of writing, recovery, gardening and photography, was replaced with the fear of what others might say about my little blog. The fear was stopping me from sharing myself, and that isnt who I want to be.

I am grateful for the moments of awareness where I am able to see how pride and fear really do evoke a "soul-sickness" (TSTT p49) within me. My Higher Power continues to provide opportunities for me to see how easily I can be "driven by a hundred forms of fear" (BB p62).

Someone I admire once said, "I used to be a fearful person, this morning I had a fearful moment." I can relate. I just wish the moments didn't last so long.

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Mending Fences

2007-01-03T16:10:00.000-05:00

Fortunately, I've never bought into the idea that I can make an amend for past behavior by simply improving the way I conduct myself today. Not only would I be cheating someone out of an apology, I'd be cheating myself out of the opportunity to practice humility.

Treating people with respect and love is their right, it is how we are supposed to treat them. Behaving decently does not in any way repair the damage we have caused and does not fall into the realm of making amends. Step Nine says "made direct amends", it doesn't say, "made indirect amends". It also indicates that "it requires an admission and correction of errors".

When it comes to the wreckage of my past (or present), the only way I can make amends is by admitting where I've been wrong. In Step Nine, "acting as if" won't cut it.

More Favorite Quotes

2006-12-28T10:27:00.001-05:00

1. If you don't call your sponsor, then you don't have a sponsor.

2. The problem with isolating is that you get such bad advice.

3. It's really hard for God to guide you if you keep running out ahead of Him.

4. People who don't go to meetings aren't there to see what happens to people who don't go to meetings.

5. Stinking thinking leads to drinking.

6. You don't get drunk by making mistakes. You get drunk by defending them.

7. Switching from one compulsion to another is like switching seats on the Titanic.

Branching Out

2006-12-19T12:33:00.001-05:00

I was browsing a site the other day which stated that the U.S. Presidential Seal and Flag shows a spread-winged eagle clutching an olive branch in one talon, and arrows of war in the other. When it was originally designed, the eagle looked towards the arrow-grasping talon, but was later redesigned so that the eagle looked towards the olive branch. The reasoning behind the change was that, although prepared for war, one should always look towards peace. This had me asking, "In all situations, do I look towards peace?".

In the past there have been many times where I've shown up prepared to do battle, times when I've shown love on my face but felt hate in my heart. Mostly the injuries have all been internal and the bleeding has been profuse, seemingly lasting years. Today I can't afford to be a waring fraction.

As an individual in recovery, holding an olive branch in both hands allows me a greater sense of peace of mind and a clearer connection to my Higher Power.

What Would the Master Do?

2006-12-13T16:04:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine, faced with a particularly confusing situation, called her sponsor to ask advice. The sponsor shared what she would do, and my friend followed suit. Knowing how the situation turned out, I had to wonder what would have happened if her sponsor had asked her, "What would the Master do?".

Its been a long time since that phrase has come to mind, and I decided to start incorporating it into dialogues with my own sponsees. We often check in with the Big Book during our discussions but why not dial in direct to the Big Guy.

When I'm at a loss of what to do, the answer becomes instantly clear when I put myself in His shoes.

Degrees of Separation

2006-12-06T09:23:00.000-05:00

When I first started going to meetings, even though members advised me to try to identify with what other people shared, I could only see the differences. Yes I drank, but not to the degree that you did. Yes my life was unmanageable, but not to the degree that yours was. Yes I lied and was dishonest, but not to the degree that you were. And on it went. Not being able to see past those degrees kept me separated, isolated, and insulated from the truth of what I had become.

A.A. taught me how connecting with others, helped me to connect with myself. Today I want to be one among many, neither less than nor better than.

Spot check: Are my thoughts keeping me separate from you today, and to what degree?

Permission

2006-12-05T00:01:00.000-05:00

Do I introduce to others thoughts about myself that might never have occurred to them without my planting them there. If the words I use have the power to make me feel tall or small, then don't those same words have the power to let others see me in a similar light. When I say something negative about myself to another person during a casual conversation, I am transmitting to them that its alright to think of me, or to even speak of me in that way. Yet in the past when that has happened, I've felt bewildered and betrayed.

In the Big Book it says, "we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt."

I need to be cognizant that when I use negative words to describe myself, that I am actually giving others permission to do the same.

The Power of Words

2006-12-04T09:13:00.001-05:00

Becoming aware of each word I use, and hearing what I am actually saying about myself, has become a powerful tool in recovery. One day, not so long ago, I heard myself identify as someones "crazy girlfriend". I'd said that about myself before, but for the first time I really heard it, and was overwhelmed by the pain it triggered. Right then I made the decision to never say it again, believing that if my external voice stopped reiterating it, my inner voice would follow. When I stopped saying it, I stopped believing it.

The words I use have the power to make me feel tall or small.

How are you treating life?

2006-12-03T19:59:00.000-05:00

The other day a friend was telling me that instead of greeting his neighbour with the usual, "How's life treating you?", it accidentally came out, "How are you treating life?". It's amazing how just turning a phrase around allows me to see things in a different light. It reminded me of the famous JFK statement, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

A simple turn of phrase, or thought or attitude can shift my thinking, and in that there is freedom. It redirects my inward thoughts back to where they belong, outside of myself. When I'm in that frame of mind, my world instantly brightens and realigns itself with absolutely no effort from me.

Love and Tolerance

2006-12-02T20:05:00.001-05:00

Tolerance, especially of others, was never really my strong suit and I would automatically shift right into judgment and condemnation. Even when I came into recovery I continued to struggle with the whole tolerance concept. It was Dr. Bob who said, "love and tolerance are our code", but it still didn't resonate with me until someone told me that the reason I have to tolerate others is because they can't tolerate themselves. That I got. I spent a lot of years not being able to tolerate myself, and when I see people acting out, I now feel compassion for their plight. I get that whatever they are dealing with is intolerable to them, which in turn makes them act out in ways that can be intolerable to others.

I'm grateful for all those members who loved me until I could love myself, and who tolerated me until I could tolerate myself.

Best Interest at Heart

2006-12-01T14:57:00.001-05:00

When first asked the Twenty Questions, I answered most of them with a resounding yes, but there were a couple to which I replied no. One of them was Number 7, "Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking". It sounds crazy to hear myself say it now, but back then "lower companions" were "alcoholics" (imagine!) , or people who had a criminal element about them. After being in the program for a while I began to see that question in a different light.

When I was drinking with those who shared my obsession of the mind for alcohol, no one ever took away my car keys, questioned my insane decisions or my impaired judgement. No one put my needs before theirs or asked what was best for me, and yet these were the people with whom I spent all my time. I now understand that these people were my "lower companions" because they did not have my best interest at heart.

Today the people that I surround myself with love me unconditionally, value and respect my friendship, and won't co-sign my bullshit. It is in that kind of healthy environment that I too, can have my own best interest at heart.

Directions

2006-11-29T20:26:00.001-05:00

A while back a good friend of mine told me that I had to teach people how to treat me (this was way before Dr. Phil made the line famous). It's really just another way of saying I had to form boundaries and put them in place. It's a good thing she never said it like that though because I know my mind would have slammed shut.

With my friends support I started by getting to know who I was and what I needed both for and from myself. The next step was being able to decide what I needed from others and to voice those needs. The more practice I got, the easier it became. To my own amazement my relationships with others have definitely improved, but they're not perfect. We're told to aim for progress, and there's been a lot of that.

I've come to think of boundaries as an invisible set of directions. Since the world around me can't see them, I have to give voice to them. We all need directions whether its for operating the VCR, working a recovery program, or getting along with others. Its not a one way street, so I need you to direct me as to how you need to be treated as well. If we don't know the directions it takes us a lot longer to find where we're going. We can stop along the way and ask, but if we're told up front, we'll get there a lot faster.

Decisions Decisions

2006-11-28T15:25:00.000-05:00

I had always been taught that making a decision and sticking to it showed conviction. For me that word is very imprisoning. It makes me think of being locked into something, and ultimately being unable to get out of it. For a long time I had difficulty making decisions. I was afraid to make the wrong one and since I had the belief that I only got one crack at the bat, I knew I had better think long and hard before making it. Like most of the perceptions I brought with me into recovery, I've come to see this one as being false.

I now make decisions based on the facts as I know them today. If those facts or circumstances change, then so might my decision. I am empowered by the knowledge that its my decision, and I can change it if I need to.

Acceptance

2006-11-02T15:33:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me this morning that when I have difficulty accepting a situation in my life, it is because I have not accepted that the only solution is to accept it. This may be obvious to you, but when I'm in the thick of it, well... I become a little thick. It actually helps me to think of acceptance in stages or piecemeal if you like.

Right now I'm dealing with a situation where I don't like what's going on. I have not yet accepted that the situation is exactly as it is supposed to be at this moment, but I am however, starting to accept that accepting it is the only road to peace of mind. Everything has a process or stages or pieces. Smaller bites are sometimes easier to swallow and for now I'll have to continue nibbling away at acceptance, one bite at a time.

On My Own, But Not Alone

2006-06-25T18:09:00.000-04:00

In one of my previous posts, I mentioned the phrase, "On my own, but not alone", in reference to how important it is for me to remember than my Higher Power is always with me, and that I am never truly alone. I'm having a little bit of trouble with that lately. Quite frankly I feel all alone, and I'm tired of doing all this landscaping work on my own. I can't seem to access that sense of satisfaction that used to come when I was able to do something that was very difficult. Now I'm just angry that I have to do it. At one point I stopped working in the garden (I'm laying patio stones now), and asked my Higher Power to send me some help. Of course I had to qualify the request at the end and put some specifics on who He could send, and when He could send them. Instead of asking for help I should be telling Him that I am grateful, not just for my sobriety, but for everything. When was the last time I said, "Thank You"?

My Life is a Hoover

2006-06-22T10:13:00.000-04:00

Seriously. I live in a vacuum, or as the Big Book says, "bondage of self". This morning proved, that although I try very hard, I can easily fall back into "its all about me".

Early this morning I heard a noise outside my front door and when I went out to look, found a couple of guys digging a huge hole right beside my prize Clematis plant (which is a beautiful flowering climbing vine). I live in a townhouse and apparently my next door neighbours have a crack in their foundation. These guys were in the midst of digging down eight feet to repair it. Was my first concern about my neighbours and their leak? Nope, nor was it my second or third or fourth. My only concern was my plant, my garden, me, me, me. The guys are still out there digging and I can't help at times but to look out the front window to see if the trellis and my vine have toppled. It's ridiculous really. There are much more important things I need to be taking care of right now. When I was drinking I didn't care about my plants, or their aesthetic value. It's even quite likely that I would have been out there with the guys, asking if they'd like something cold to drink.

Recently I heard someone talk about, "not being so personally involved in our lives". Its similar to saying that I am not the star of my own film but just one of the extras, or, one among many. This isn't something I can accomplish through sheer self will. I can become less self absorbed however, by connecting to my Higher Power through the 3rd and 7th Step prayers.

Procrastination/Perfectionism

2006-06-21T09:21:00.000-04:00

For me "Just Do It" is much more than a corporate logo, its practically a program slogan in my recovery circle. I'm slowly starting to use it instead of my previous motto, "Why do today what I can put off until tomorrow". Procrastination (aka sloth) has always been a character defect of mine. It was a long time before it occurred to me that I have often put off a task, not because I was lazy, but because I was afraid it wouldn't be perfect when done .

Today I try to focus on "just doing it", and to not get sidetracked by my fears of not doing it well enough.

Favorite Quotes

2006-06-20T16:22:00.001-04:00

Here are some of my favorite program related quotes:

1. A.A. was designed to change the alcoholic, not the other way around.

2. A.A. is not a pleasure boat, it's a row boat and everyone is expected to pick up an oar.

3. Recovery cannot be sexually transmitted.

4. My Higher Power didn't save me from drowning so that I could starve on the beach.

5. If you are too busy to go to meetings, perhaps you are too busy.

6. There is no standing still in A.A. You either forge ahead or slip backwards.

7. The only way to coast is downhill.

Can't See the Forest

2006-06-18T22:49:00.000-04:00

Last month I decided to re-landscape my garden as it had become completely overgrown with weeds and some of the more invasive plants. I began by digging up shrubs that needed to be moved and put them in pots; rose bushes were cut back, patio stones moved, and rock pathways designed. Ten days into the project I left on a short trip to visit family. Unfortunately, while I was away, I sustained a small back injury. This meant that I was unable, upon my return home, to continue working in the garden. I'd stand in the middle of the backyard and lament about how beautiful it would be when it was finished. There was no clear time frame as to when I could begin to work on it again, and this left me frustrated and angry. I was totally living in the future, and unhappily doing so. I couldn't see that, although the backyard was in a state of disarray, there was beauty all around me. The Periwinkles, Wandering Jews and Columbines were in bloom, and the Poppies were full of promise of their glorious petals. The Peonies would open soon, along with the many rose buds that were climbing along the fence. I was spending so much time envisioning how beautiful the garden would be when finished, that I couldn't see what was right in front of me. When I finally realized this, I had to ask myself, "In what other situations in my life am I not able to see the forest for the trees?"

Reality

2006-06-18T12:03:00.000-04:00

Its not always the easiest thing for me to see my reality exactly as it is, without it being clouded by denial, or pity, or fancy. My reality is made up of many pieces just like a jigsaw puzzle. In some areas I can see how it all fits together, in others I have absolutely no idea which piece goes where. When I finally see my truth (for that is what reality is for me - the truth), the next step is to accept it. When I accept my reality for what it is, I am free from whatever (emotion/issue) was obscuring the view.

Last night I was dismantling a deck in my backyard with a crowbar and a sledgehammer. It was hot and dirty work, and instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment, I found myself sliding into the pity pot. Sometimes when I do things that are hard and frustrating, I feel resentment that I don't have anyone to help me. The reality of the situation is that I have made choices that place me in a position where I have to do things on my own. Being on my own is not equal to being alone. My Higher Power is always there cheering me on. When I remember this I spend less time feeling sorry for myself and more time being grateful that I have been given the strength and ability to do what needs to be done. That, is reality.

A Bit of a Stretch

2006-06-16T15:19:00.000-04:00

When I stand on my toes and reach up really high I can feel the muscles stretch and elongate through my fingers, arms, abdominals, and legs, right down to my feet. I become more flexible in my movements and physically stronger.

When I rely upon and listen to my Higher Power, I'm extending to something beyond me, thereby flexing my belief and faith "muscles". My thoughts become more flexible, my emotional and spiritual sobriety are strengthened. My mind opens and considers possibilities that take me to new heights.

Reaching Up, Then Out

2006-06-15T21:39:00.000-04:00

Today was one of those days that started out fairly unassuming with nothing much on the agenda. There was little indication when I tumbled out of bed, that I'd be closing out the day typing an entry on my first blog, especially since blogging is not something that I've previously considered. Not a huge accomplishment some might say, but this accomplishment lies in the doing of something new, of moving forward, of taking that first step. Like all the previous steps I've taken since coming into recovery ten years ago, I slip my hand into the hand of my higher power and together we go where I would not have thought of going on my own. Is this simply an exercise in sharing my thoughts and in turn, listening to yours? No, though I cant get enough practice with that. This is about taking a step towards my dreams, and doing so by reaching upwards first, and then outwards.