Drawing Near, the Purest Form of Art

For the longest time, I thought that the first part of Step Two read, "Came to believe in a power greater than ourselves..." instead of "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves...". That first part of Step Two was not about my believing, right there, right then, in a celestial being (which is why I got stuck on this step forever!). It was about opening my mind to the fact that there was a power greater than me.

That simple (?) admission was all that was required to move forward. At this point I wasn't expected to know who or what that power was, I didn't even know who or what I was. The only way I had a chance of figuring it all out was by working through the rest of the twelve steps (aka drawing near). In the Big Book it says, "When we drew near to Him He disclosed Himself to us! (We Agnostics, p.57, last line).

If I continue to draw near to Him (aka working the steps), who, and what else will disclose themselves to me?

Read all about it!

Today was the first time I'd forwarded my blog to one of my friends and it was with great trepidation that I hit the SEND button. In the last month or so, the excitment of being able to combine my love of writing, recovery, gardening and photography, was replaced with the fear of what others might say about my little blog. The fear was stopping me from sharing myself, and that isnt who I want to be.

I am grateful for the moments of awareness where I am able to see how pride and fear really do evoke a "soul-sickness" (TSTT p49) within me. My Higher Power continues to provide opportunities for me to see how easily I can be "driven by a hundred forms of fear" (BB p62).

Someone I admire once said, "I used to be a fearful person, this morning I had a fearful moment." I can relate. I just wish the moments didn't last so long.

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Branching Out

I was browsing a site the other day which stated that the U.S. Presidential Seal and Flag shows a spread-winged eagle clutching an olive branch in one talon, and arrows of war in the other. When it was originally designed, the eagle looked towards the arrow-grasping talon, but was later redesigned so that the eagle looked towards the olive branch. The reasoning behind the change was that, although prepared for war, one should always look towards peace. This had me asking, "In all situations, do I look towards peace?".

In the past there have been many times where I've shown up prepared to do battle, times when I've shown love on my face but felt hate in my heart. Mostly the injuries have all been internal and the bleeding has been profuse, seemingly lasting years. Today I can't afford to be a waring fraction.

As an individual in recovery, holding an olive branch in both hands allows me a greater sense of peace of mind and a clearer connection to my Higher Power.

What Would the Master Do?

A friend of mine, faced with a particularly confusing situation, called her sponsor to ask advice. The sponsor shared what she would do, and my friend followed suit. Knowing how the situation turned out, I had to wonder what would have happened if her sponsor had asked her, "What would the Master do?".

Its been a long time since that phrase has come to mind, and I decided to start incorporating it into dialogues with my own sponsees. We often check in with the Big Book during our discussions but why not dial in direct to the Big Guy.

When I'm at a loss of what to do, the answer becomes instantly clear when I put myself in His shoes.

On My Own, But Not Alone

In one of my previous posts, I mentioned the phrase, "On my own, but not alone", in reference to how important it is for me to remember than my Higher Power is always with me, and that I am never truly alone. I'm having a little bit of trouble with that lately. Quite frankly I feel all alone, and I'm tired of doing all this landscaping work on my own. I can't seem to access that sense of satisfaction that used to come when I was able to do something that was very difficult. Now I'm just angry that I have to do it. At one point I stopped working in the garden (I'm laying patio stones now), and asked my Higher Power to send me some help. Of course I had to qualify the request at the end and put some specifics on who He could send, and when He could send them. Instead of asking for help I should be telling Him that I am grateful, not just for my sobriety, but for everything. When was the last time I said, "Thank You"?

Favorite Quotes

Here are some of my favorite program related quotes:


1. A.A. was designed to change the alcoholic, not the other way around.

2. A.A. is not a pleasure boat, it's a row boat and everyone is expected to pick up an oar.

3. Recovery cannot be sexually transmitted.

4. My Higher Power didn't save me from drowning so that I could starve on the beach.

5. If you are too busy to go to meetings, perhaps you are too busy.

6. There is no standing still in A.A. You either forge ahead or slip backwards.

7. The only way to coast is downhill.

Reality

Its not always the easiest thing for me to see my reality exactly as it is, without it being clouded by denial, or pity, or fancy. My reality is made up of many pieces just like a jigsaw puzzle. In some areas I can see how it all fits together, in others I have absolutely no idea which piece goes where. When I finally see my truth (for that is what reality is for me - the truth), the next step is to accept it. When I accept my reality for what it is, I am free from whatever (emotion/issue) was obscuring the view.

Last night I was dismantling a deck in my backyard with a crowbar and a sledgehammer. It was hot and dirty work, and instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment, I found myself sliding into the pity pot. Sometimes when I do things that are hard and frustrating, I feel resentment that I don't have anyone to help me. The reality of the situation is that I have made choices that place me in a position where I have to do things on my own. Being on my own is not equal to being alone. My Higher Power is always there cheering me on. When I remember this I spend less time feeling sorry for myself and more time being grateful that I have been given the strength and ability to do what needs to be done. That, is reality.

A Bit of a Stretch

When I stand on my toes and reach up really high I can feel the muscles stretch and elongate through my fingers, arms, abdominals, and legs, right down to my feet. I become more flexible in my movements and physically stronger.

When I rely upon and listen to my Higher Power, I'm extending to something beyond me, thereby flexing my belief and faith "muscles". My thoughts become more flexible, my emotional and spiritual sobriety are strengthened. My mind opens and considers possibilities that take me to new heights.

Reaching Up, Then Out

Today was one of those days that started out fairly unassuming with nothing much on the agenda. There was little indication when I tumbled out of bed, that I'd be closing out the day typing an entry on my first blog, especially since blogging is not something that I've previously considered. Not a huge accomplishment some might say, but this accomplishment lies in the doing of something new, of moving forward, of taking that first step. Like all the previous steps I've taken since coming into recovery ten years ago, I slip my hand into the hand of my higher power and together we go where I would not have thought of going on my own. Is this simply an exercise in sharing my thoughts and in turn, listening to yours? No, though I cant get enough practice with that. This is about taking a step towards my dreams, and doing so by reaching upwards first, and then outwards.