Forget-Me-Not

The other night I opened the door to the first floor hallway and was mystified to see what appeared to be a fog floating through the air. I called a frend and we discussed possible causes. Finally she asked me, "Do you think it could it be your furnace filter?" I sat there for a minute and thought, "furnace filter... what's a furnace filter"? I mean really, it was like I was totally clued out. Back downstairs I checked the filter and confirmed that this was definitely the culprit. It was so dirty that it looked as though it had been in there since the beginning of time (or more precisely since October). The dust was actually being pushed back up out of the vents. It took less than 15 minutes to dash off to Canadian Tire and return with a new filter which I promptly installed.

Now, I've lived in this house for twenty years and have changed a lot filters in that time. I can't explain how this monthly routine skipped my mind, nor am I sure what lesson I've learned from it all. I can only say this,

"if you're inside your house and you've got fog, you might actually be in one!"

Drawing Near, the Purest Form of Art

For the longest time, I thought that the first part of Step Two read, "Came to believe in a power greater than ourselves..." instead of "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves...". That first part of Step Two was not about my believing, right there, right then, in a celestial being (which is why I got stuck on this step forever!). It was about opening my mind to the fact that there was a power greater than me.

That simple (?) admission was all that was required to move forward. At this point I wasn't expected to know who or what that power was, I didn't even know who or what I was. The only way I had a chance of figuring it all out was by working through the rest of the twelve steps (aka drawing near). In the Big Book it says, "When we drew near to Him He disclosed Himself to us! (We Agnostics, p.57, last line).

If I continue to draw near to Him (aka working the steps), who, and what else will disclose themselves to me?

United We Stand

I'd be hard put to decide on a favorite tradition, but I am quite fond of the first one. Tradition One, "Our common welfare should come first, our personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity."

There it is in black and white. My personal recovery depends upon my uniting with other alcoholics. Its the solution to all my problems. Its how the miracles happen. Its why members say, "Don't drink and go to meetings". In eleven years I've never heard anyone say, "Dont drink and stay home." For me its simple. I have to stay united to stay sober (physically, emotionally and spiritually).

When I was a kid I always wanted to be Maid Marian. I couldn't think of anything I'd rather do than be with Robin Hood (aka Errol Flynn), Fryer Tuck and all the Merry Men (and women). I guess in some way I've gotten my wish. I'm very grateful to have made it here alive, and to be part of this miraculous, "erratic band of alcoholics." (12&12 p130)

Read all about it!

Today was the first time I'd forwarded my blog to one of my friends and it was with great trepidation that I hit the SEND button. In the last month or so, the excitment of being able to combine my love of writing, recovery, gardening and photography, was replaced with the fear of what others might say about my little blog. The fear was stopping me from sharing myself, and that isnt who I want to be.

I am grateful for the moments of awareness where I am able to see how pride and fear really do evoke a "soul-sickness" (TSTT p49) within me. My Higher Power continues to provide opportunities for me to see how easily I can be "driven by a hundred forms of fear" (BB p62).

Someone I admire once said, "I used to be a fearful person, this morning I had a fearful moment." I can relate. I just wish the moments didn't last so long.

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Mending Fences

Fortunately, I've never bought into the idea that I can make an amend for past behavior by simply improving the way I conduct myself today. Not only would I be cheating someone out of an apology, I'd be cheating myself out of the opportunity to practice humility.

Treating people with respect and love is their right, it is how we are supposed to treat them. Behaving decently does not in any way repair the damage we have caused and does not fall into the realm of making amends. Step Nine says "made direct amends", it doesn't say, "made indirect amends". It also indicates that "it requires an admission and correction of errors".

When it comes to the wreckage of my past (or present), the only way I can make amends is by admitting where I've been wrong. In Step Nine, "acting as if" won't cut it.