On My Own, But Not Alone

In one of my previous posts, I mentioned the phrase, "On my own, but not alone", in reference to how important it is for me to remember than my Higher Power is always with me, and that I am never truly alone. I'm having a little bit of trouble with that lately. Quite frankly I feel all alone, and I'm tired of doing all this landscaping work on my own. I can't seem to access that sense of satisfaction that used to come when I was able to do something that was very difficult. Now I'm just angry that I have to do it. At one point I stopped working in the garden (I'm laying patio stones now), and asked my Higher Power to send me some help. Of course I had to qualify the request at the end and put some specifics on who He could send, and when He could send them. Instead of asking for help I should be telling Him that I am grateful, not just for my sobriety, but for everything. When was the last time I said, "Thank You"?

My Life is a Hoover

Seriously. I live in a vacuum, or as the Big Book says, "bondage of self". This morning proved, that although I try very hard, I can easily fall back into "its all about me".

Early this morning I heard a noise outside my front door and when I went out to look, found a couple of guys digging a huge hole right beside my prize Clematis plant (which is a beautiful flowering climbing vine). I live in a townhouse and apparently my next door neighbours have a crack in their foundation. These guys were in the midst of digging down eight feet to repair it. Was my first concern about my neighbours and their leak? Nope, nor was it my second or third or fourth. My only concern was my plant, my garden, me, me, me. The guys are still out there digging and I can't help at times but to look out the front window to see if the trellis and my vine have toppled. It's ridiculous really. There are much more important things I need to be taking care of right now. When I was drinking I didn't care about my plants, or their aesthetic value. It's even quite likely that I would have been out there with the guys, asking if they'd like something cold to drink.

Recently I heard someone talk about, "not being so personally involved in our lives". Its similar to saying that I am not the star of my own film but just one of the extras, or, one among many. This isn't something I can accomplish through sheer self will. I can become less self absorbed however, by connecting to my Higher Power through the 3rd and 7th Step prayers.

Procrastination/Perfectionism

For me "Just Do It" is much more than a corporate logo, its practically a program slogan in my recovery circle. I'm slowly starting to use it instead of my previous motto, "Why do today what I can put off until tomorrow". Procrastination (aka sloth) has always been a character defect of mine. It was a long time before it occurred to me that I have often put off a task, not because I was lazy, but because I was afraid it wouldn't be perfect when done .

Today I try to focus on "just doing it", and to not get sidetracked by my fears of not doing it well enough.

Favorite Quotes

Here are some of my favorite program related quotes:


1. A.A. was designed to change the alcoholic, not the other way around.

2. A.A. is not a pleasure boat, it's a row boat and everyone is expected to pick up an oar.

3. Recovery cannot be sexually transmitted.

4. My Higher Power didn't save me from drowning so that I could starve on the beach.

5. If you are too busy to go to meetings, perhaps you are too busy.

6. There is no standing still in A.A. You either forge ahead or slip backwards.

7. The only way to coast is downhill.

Can't See the Forest

Last month I decided to re-landscape my garden as it had become completely overgrown with weeds and some of the more invasive plants. I began by digging up shrubs that needed to be moved and put them in pots; rose bushes were cut back, patio stones moved, and rock pathways designed. Ten days into the project I left on a short trip to visit family. Unfortunately, while I was away, I sustained a small back injury. This meant that I was unable, upon my return home, to continue working in the garden. I'd stand in the middle of the backyard and lament about how beautiful it would be when it was finished. There was no clear time frame as to when I could begin to work on it again, and this left me frustrated and angry. I was totally living in the future, and unhappily doing so. I couldn't see that, although the backyard was in a state of disarray, there was beauty all around me. The Periwinkles, Wandering Jews and Columbines were in bloom, and the Poppies were full of promise of their glorious petals. The Peonies would open soon, along with the many rose buds that were climbing along the fence. I was spending so much time envisioning how beautiful the garden would be when finished, that I couldn't see what was right in front of me. When I finally realized this, I had to ask myself, "In what other situations in my life am I not able to see the forest for the trees?"

Reality

Its not always the easiest thing for me to see my reality exactly as it is, without it being clouded by denial, or pity, or fancy. My reality is made up of many pieces just like a jigsaw puzzle. In some areas I can see how it all fits together, in others I have absolutely no idea which piece goes where. When I finally see my truth (for that is what reality is for me - the truth), the next step is to accept it. When I accept my reality for what it is, I am free from whatever (emotion/issue) was obscuring the view.

Last night I was dismantling a deck in my backyard with a crowbar and a sledgehammer. It was hot and dirty work, and instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment, I found myself sliding into the pity pot. Sometimes when I do things that are hard and frustrating, I feel resentment that I don't have anyone to help me. The reality of the situation is that I have made choices that place me in a position where I have to do things on my own. Being on my own is not equal to being alone. My Higher Power is always there cheering me on. When I remember this I spend less time feeling sorry for myself and more time being grateful that I have been given the strength and ability to do what needs to be done. That, is reality.

A Bit of a Stretch

When I stand on my toes and reach up really high I can feel the muscles stretch and elongate through my fingers, arms, abdominals, and legs, right down to my feet. I become more flexible in my movements and physically stronger.

When I rely upon and listen to my Higher Power, I'm extending to something beyond me, thereby flexing my belief and faith "muscles". My thoughts become more flexible, my emotional and spiritual sobriety are strengthened. My mind opens and considers possibilities that take me to new heights.

Reaching Up, Then Out

Today was one of those days that started out fairly unassuming with nothing much on the agenda. There was little indication when I tumbled out of bed, that I'd be closing out the day typing an entry on my first blog, especially since blogging is not something that I've previously considered. Not a huge accomplishment some might say, but this accomplishment lies in the doing of something new, of moving forward, of taking that first step. Like all the previous steps I've taken since coming into recovery ten years ago, I slip my hand into the hand of my higher power and together we go where I would not have thought of going on my own. Is this simply an exercise in sharing my thoughts and in turn, listening to yours? No, though I cant get enough practice with that. This is about taking a step towards my dreams, and doing so by reaching upwards first, and then outwards.